Exercise: Once Is Enough

I'm not completely out of shape, I require no rolling to move from place to place, I do not drive a Hummer H2 and I do not write down that my legal parent/guardian is "The Burger King" on paperwork. I can say however that I am not in good enough physical condition to do some pretty every day activities, such as repeatedly getting up to access the refrigerator(which is a like 15 feet from the couch. Insane? Yes.) and methodically brush Cheetos crumbs off of my beaten up college sweatshirt. I decided that I would start to work out, or "Exercise" as the experts call it in order to allow me to truly indulge without the shame of having to call 911 when trading spaces comes on and I'm too far to reach the remote(They do not appreciate that by the way. Batons hurt! Ouch!) Instinctively the first step of my journey was to acquire equipment that would get me in shape for me, as effort was very low on my priorities list. I spent hours upon hours scouring the Internet searching for the perfect piece of fitness technology to transform me into the hulking Adonis I am on the inside. I found many an aggressively described piece of equipment. However with such phrases as "Abs of steel!" and "Blasted Pecs!" they seemed to describe the robot holocaust more than a physical fitness apparatus. Finally I found what I was looking for, as I gazed upon it in all of it's matte painted glory I realized that you had to pay money to acquire it. My hopes were shattered as I realized the crucial flaw in my plan, I tried to bargain, I offered my antique Victorian era duck sculpture collection, and finally my body which I thought would work seeing as I was using Craig's list. Long story short. It didn't and I'm worse off then I started. I've been forced to sell painted M&M's as fake prescription medication and constantly change my name and move around the country. Which I must say is less inconvenient then you'd think as I am simply loaded into a van on my couch and carted off to the next destination. At first the movers were irritated and less then enthusiastic about the heavy lifting, but that's nothing a hand full of "Chocolate Quaaludes" can't fix. So I've failed at my goal, but I'd like to think not all is lost. I believe I've learned some real valuable information about life like that Craig's list fitness equipment may be a repackaged erotic torture device, and that manual laborers can be easily persuaded with prescription drugs, but mostly that staying in shape is not only unnecessary,it's un-American, I'm not fat, just loaded with freedom, and I plan on living the American dream from my Ikea 3 cushion lounge couch. God Bless America.