Burglary, Burglars, Burgers.

So I'm afraid of being robbed. While in these turbulent times this may seem reasonable, my irrational fear of burglary has begun to take it's tole on my Psyche. My fear is not of a sophisticated robbery, because let's face it, I love mini coopers too much to be offended when they speed off with all of my gold. No, my fear is of a classic break in. Ski masks. Broken glass. A lack of a GED, you name it. However I believe that I've devised the perfect plan to thwart any and all thieves from trying to plunder my belongings. The first step of the plan is to purchase and wear a burglars outfit to bed every night. While this may seem a little bit excessive and borderline psychotic, it will give you a sense of security and secure your neighbors shaky suspicion that you are a criminal. Now the costume comes into play during the break in itself. On the fateful night of the forced entering( as much as that sounds like a rape) wake up and begin prowling your own house in your costume. It's important that you surprise the criminal and have a very "Scooby Doo" like encounter, which is not to say you should smoke copious amounts of marijuana. Once you have the jump on him/her(yes I'm that open minded) tap him on the shoulder and state clearly"Hey bro, looks like beat you to it". After he/she jumps back out of surprise and gives a chuckle and an exasperated sigh of relief finally sealing the deal with a fist tap, or in the case of a lady burglar maybe a kiss on the cheek, they should leave in peace. However in reality I would most likely get to "Hey-" before being gunned down in my own home, and in a sadder envisioning, in front of my dog. Now this would be the case because I got the last costume at Iparty, which was not a classic burglar but "The Hamburglar". Even after I attempted to modify it, I still looked like a 1950's runaway who decided that dressing as "Zoro if he was an accountant who loved fast food" was a great way to blend in, and than quickly took another massive hit of crystal methamphetamine.