My Only Greatest Fear

Alright. so let's get this out of the way, I much like a young Evil Knievel fear nothing. I often live life on the edge and given the option to go big or go home, the thought of my comfortable manhole-neighboring cardboard box never crosses my mind. However this does not mean that I can't be respectfully aware of things that would do me harm. While that list of things that aren't fears is extremely long, there is one amongst them that I am the most aware of. That thing is pelicans. While most people see pelicans as hilariously unfortunate looking birds, after a near death experience as a child my perception of these winged beasts changed forever. It was a hot day in Florida and I was on a pier that I had been convinced to walk down for the same reason that would double as my excuse to never go back. There were at least a dozen pelicans circleing the structure and I looked on without the slightest feeling of fear. This would all change when suddenly one landed right next to me, shaking and cracking the earth as his webbed feet left deep imprints in the sun burnt wood. He then let out a massive ear shattering squawk, and quickly flew away. Suffice to say I barely made it out alive. To this day pelicans adorn the outside of pickle jars and my darkest nightmares. Now most people would be confused as to why pelicans scared me that much. I mean it did only land next to you for a second and you weren't necassarily in harms way whatsover. And to that I say, fuck you. You find me something with a mouth proportionately that large outside Steven Tyler and have it descend from the sky near you, and tell me if you're not scarred for life. And let's look at it from my point of view. I don't know if I was just paranoid but the jaws of a pelican are about the same size an 8 year old child, and to my knowledge it is instinctual to fear something with a mouth tailored to your torso. Plus It's common knowledge that pelicans bring everything they hold in their mouth to china to sell their organs on the black market. Pelicans are also lazy, live off welfare, cheat and steal their way through society and are communists who secretely consume more than everyone around them.

This note doubles as a PSA to keep you and your loved ones safe from the winged menace. I'm also required by the state to say that it is mandatory as part of my parol for doing something that wasn't a big deal regarding pelicans and dynamite. Whatever I have a feeling the San Diego zoo will survive.