A Letter From Jesus To The World

Dear Children,

I know that as of late the world has been overwhelmed with chaos and violence, and many of you have been requesting my presence with more urgency than normal. I look upon you during your time of suffering and believe me when I say that I empathise and feel your pain. Now that last bit, the "feeling your pain " part brings up the problem I mean to address in this letter. As I'm sure you remember around 2000 years ago I walked among you and spread the word of the lord. It was a time of great joy and many were healed and brought into the light of the lords love. However that trip was cut short due to a certain disciple who felt the need to sell me out for a couple of pieces of silver. Which for the record he used to buy a time share. Great Idea. However despite his grievous ills I have forgiven him, and have even allowed him to spend the rest of eternity shining my halo. Regardless of my merciful acts, I lived amongst you and in my final hours I forgave mankind's sins by sacrificing my own life on the cross. Now this is where the problem comes in. After I ascended to heaven and was seated at the right hand of the father, I was soon seated at long couch of heavens makeshift psychologist, Aristotle, and was diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. For those of you who don't know what PTSD is, it is an anxiety disorder brought about by an experience with a traumatic event. Now I'm not going to rub in what happened to me, but I will say that being up on a cross, while it is also made of nails and wood, is no day in a tree house. Now I would LOVE to come down to earth and help everyone out, but you have to understand that your choice of symbolism is definitely not helping with my condition. How comfortable would you feel if everyone had a sculpture of you dying on a torture device hanging from their neck? Answer. Not very. I understand that you're trying to honor my sacrifice, but is it really necessary to have a picture of me dead strung up on a cross? I mean alot of people loved John F Kennedy, but I don't see you wearing medallions of him with his head being blown off! I'm sorry. I lost my calm. It's just that you have to understand where I'm coming from, it's gotten so bad that we've had to install a metal detector at the pearly gates so I don't have a panic attack every three seconds. I would just appreciate it if you guys could pick ANYTHING else to remember me by, I mean I had a great Hebrew school yearblock carving that no one seems to remember. Granted I kind of had a "Jew fro" thing going on but that's only because Judas told me it looked cool that way. Damn him. So I am really sorry about how bad things have been. And just be thankful you aren't Judas, because now that I remember that whole "Jew fro" thing there is going to be hell to pay.

Your Lord And Savior,

Jesus Christ