Not A Believer ( How Shrek Scarred Me For Life)

First off I agree with Shrek on one thing. Ogres ARE in fact like onions, in that they both make me cry uncontrollably and want to wash down the bad taste they leave in my mouth with something strong. Now I won't say that I'm the most outspoken critic of Shrek alive, but I will say that I've consistently produced an expletive at the mention of the obese fairytale fuckup's name for the last 7 years. Now you may want to know how this hatred of a generally beloved Dreamworks movie manifested itself inside me. Well it all started with a little card back in 4th 5th and 6th grade, or as I like to call them "my golden years". Not because they were beautiful and high quality, but because people thought it was funny to piss on me from the stairwell and continued to think that for the remainder of my time in elementary school. However this is besides the point, "Gold Card" was a small underwhelming yellow ticket handed out at the end of the week by our teachers to students who handed in their homework or weren't caught pissing on me or anyone else in the facility. The benefit of gold card was that at the end of the week, you got to go out to recess or experience a cinematic triumph of the ages with your peers. A movie that from the frequency that it was showed convinced me it was meant for our parents and contained subliminal messages convincing them to pass the next budget expansion. Which never happens by the way due to the many expertly crafted arguments from our senior citizens such as "When I was young, school was a trip to the whorehouse and storming the beach at Normandy!" Or the classic "I don't know where I am". Because god forbid they get taxed too much to afford their 70 horse power rascal scooter. Anyway. This movie. This incredible achievement in film, was none other than Dreamwork's Shrek, and it changed my life forever. Now the first time I saw the movie, I was slightly amused, however the rest of my classmates flocked to the iridescent ogre like a group of ravers over the last bottle of water. Fall approached and with it gold cards tragic flaw was exposed. When it rains the option to go out to recess to enjoy the natural world was nullified, leaving the children to be bottle necked into the killing field that was Shrek. Soon everyone in my school began to speak in tongues unfamiliar to me as I had assumed the fetal position with my hands snugly around my ears every time I heard "I'm makin' waffles!". Shrek had spread through Elmer Theinis Mary Hall El faster than gonoria in a TGI Friday's bathroom. I had to do something, I suggested a different movie and was met with a look that I previously thought was reserved for rapists or people that kill small animals. As soon as Friday came I readied myself for another grueling trip through Shreks swamp( which is the fairy tale equivalent of living in a trailer park) lord Farquads tower and finally back. Finally I realizes self sacrifice was the only way to beat Shrek who in my mind was now just green Idi Amin. I simply messed up every week, missed homework or did something worthy of having my gold card revoked. However I never pissed on anyone as that would have most likely been more awkward and effectively end any sympathy sent my way from the staff. So Shrek, thanks for endangering my education and my sanity. I'll see you in hell with Sid from Toy Story, Boo from Monsters Inc, and the entire cast of Ice Age.