Harry Potter: The Lost Book

I love Harry Potter, I love him and all of his angst, and let's face it, total douchebaggery. I can honestly say my distaste for harry grew as the series progressed and it seemed as if whatever was stuck up the boy wizards ass had transformed from being the size of a golden snitch to a full blown regulation quafflle. But considering his personality flaws, Harry, was for lack of a better word the boss. "The Chosen One" ran Hogwarts and by the time he was in his 5th year could turn heads faster than you can say "Accio birth control". His heroics in the chamber of secrets, the Tri Wizard tournament and the bagging of his best friends homely ginger little sister made Harry an instant celebrity. That was the life of the boy wizard, but what of the man? While It's hard to not be satisfied with the incredibly rich and satisfying( Definitely not last minute) epilogue JK Rowling generously added to the final book, some ungrateful fans just couldn't get enough and began to wonder what Harry's life would be like in his adult years. While I can't say my envisioning of HP's future is better than that of any other fan, I will say that mine is edgy, breathtaking and hauntingly emotional. And with adjectives that impressive I'll leave it up for you to decide who's number one . So here is a summary of the final book in the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter And The Emergency Intervention.

After the events of the seventh book, harry potter's marriage begins to disintegrate. After much soul searching he discovers that his awkward relationship with Ginny is only a superficial replacement for the man-boy love affair of his past. While the first indicators of his deteriorating psyche take the form of subtle deficiencies such as premature appiration, they soon take a disturbing turn for the worse including bathing in Dumbledore's penseeve memories while stroking a fake beard. Harry quickly developes a poly juice potion problem and is found on one instance in Diagon alley screaming "WHO AM I?" all the while weeping and stuffing his mouth with Bernie Bot's every flavor bean's. Another situation of note involved Harries calling Hermione while intoxicated, which consists of his reaching her answering machine, becoming infuriated and calling her a mudblood , and leaving 130 apologetic messages. The straw that would break the proverbial camels back however and would be the tragic introduction to the next and final adventure of the boy wizard would occur on the first day of school at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. Harry, donned in his very much outgrown Hogwarts robes, attempted to sneak onto the Hogwarts campus and was apprehended by staff after being found asleep atop Dumbledore's grave and attacking them. From here on out things would change for the chosen one as he was sentenced to twenty years in Azkaban prison, which he would find to be a shockingly different world to the one he was accustomed to. Harry quickly learns the ropes as the book explores the culture of life in Askaban and Harry's rites of passage. Harry's only true friend takes the form of a small warlock whom Harry pities as his unbelievably unfortunate animagi form of a gerbil is horrendously abused by the other inmates. The confrontation for which the novel is named occurs towards the end of the tale as his addiction is fed through the smuggling of premade polyjuice through a modified "Vanishing toilet". Harry is confronted by his prison compatriots and agrees to leave his vice behind immediately. This choice will be his undoing however as he becomes irritable and on one fateful day assaults another inmate who unbeknownst to Harry, is armed with a shoddily crafted prison wand. Harry is mowed down with an excellently cast avadacadavra in the dingy prison cafeteria(Sadly on wizard taco day. Which are simply Tacos, however rap them in foil and put them on a shelf at Barnes and Nobles and JK Rowling could sell to the entire world for vast quantities of money). Harry passes away on the dirty STD covered floor of Azkaban but leaves freed of his demons and goes off to be with Dumbledore in that weird ass train station/heaven place he goes in the Deathly Hallows. I've yet to decide whether Harry's jailtime conversion to Wizlam will effect his reunion with Dumbledore in the afterlife.