The Internet: Our Friend.

The Internet is home to a menagerie of compelling bits of information, and while statistically it's mostly Asian pornography, blueprints for building bombs and google hits for "The Jonas Brothers" I believe that it deserves our respect for satiating our needs and allowing us to throw away precious/useless hours of our young life into it's gaping maw. However many of you are treating the Internet like a 20 cent hooker apposed the classy lady it actually is.( on that note, 20 cent hooker yields around 500,000 results.) So I'm thinking it's time we all appreciate the Internet for what it does, not what it is because when it comes down to it, it makes us happy, and if that means that we have to overlook it's almost endless potential to induce fits of self destruction than so be it.

Yes they say the Internet is 80% pornography...... But Welches, and that adorable little Asian girl that advertises for them claim that they are 100% grape juice, and we all know that's a fallacy.( Welches contains 5% ignorance because that little girl is a real bitch off set and grape juice has more sugar than coca cola. You're welcome. ) Now that your perception of the Internet has been shattered by my flawless argument let me give you a bit of advice. You know, when I get hung up on the internet's many flaws, I try to envision it as a person. The Internet: The person, first off has the head of bill gates, I associate that with the almost endless wealth of information you can find on the world wide web , however this version of bill gates has a condition known as schizophrenia. Now you may ask "Why would Bill Gates, the genius, have a crippling mental condition that may cause auditory and visual hallucinations?". That's a good question. Well it's because the Internet is also full of brazen lies. For example, a forum may be called "Big foot is not real". FACT. However directly underneath there is a link to a news article called "Big foot is real and I married him". Now while the article does go into realistic depth regarding big foots drinking and domestic abuse problems, big foot is still not real.(Quick note, the head of bill gates can be substituted with the head of "Mr. Owl" from the tootsie pop commercials. He is equally smart.)

Moving downward, the mid section of the Internet is adorned in a no longer relevant ironic hot topic T shirt, stained with mountain dew gamer fuel and tears, this represents the many nerds and Chinese civilians who have slaved away(literally in the case of the Chinese) gaming. Lastly the bottom half of the Internet is the most horrifying sexually transmitted disease covered piece of anatomy ever to walk the planet earth. And the Internet never wears pants. Now you may be wondering who would want to consider this pants less business savvy abomination their friend? And I'll tell you now that there is no need to consider. You have been digitally french kissing this beast since windows 98. And if you find this disgusting, I suggest you take it up with "The Internet: The person's" 10,000 intimate singles responses it received with this description on craigslist.